My days are filled with taking care of children, trying to get enough rest, keeping up on my homework and trying to motivate myself to get things done around the house and yard.
It seems boring. And it can be.
It can also be extremely overwhelming.
But I am blessed with my life.
I think I need to be able to get out and socialize sometimes. I have not been able to get much of any since moving to Utah unless I travel an hour to see family or friends. But I'm tired of traveling. I look forward to moving to our settling place so that I can start early and try to make some good friend connections...I won't have to leave within a couple years, my kids will be able to be pretty open knowing that it will be the only school(s) they will have to attend.
My husband will be able to chose a job he likes and has knowledge in instead of having to be retrained multiple times, and just getting a handle on it before we are transferred to another assignment. Maybe he will have energy to give to our family life.
Sometimes I wonder what my purpose is...other times, I know what I am doing is of utmost importance. I guess I just don't feel the support I desperately need in fulfilling my roles. And I feel alone.
I know everyone feels this way sometimes.
It's nothing new.
I crave connection...to be seen and appreciated/loved for who I am and what I offer and sacrifice.
From day to day, we are just getting by much of the time.
I suppose the song from Beauty and the Beast relates my feelings..."I want adventure in the great wide somewhere...I want it more than I can tell; and for once it might be grand, to have someone understand...I want so much more than they've got planned."
I have a husband who is a recluse. He has no social life, and little involvement in our family life or church life. If we want to interact with him, we have to go in where he's hooked to electronics, on our bed. He contributes what little he can in the raising of our children. He sits and experiences life through shows and articles most of the time he's home.
And I must teach them, train them, actively love them, discipline them, to guide and raise them.
On my own.
It is lonely.
If I have the energy, I take them to the park or library, the dollar store or dollar theater.
It's a simple life.
I know what's going on in their lives; I can hear their struggles and desires,
and do my best to support them when they are struggling.
I allow myself to rest when needed, and take the opportunity to hold, cuddle and
teach them new things that they are interested in.
Sometimes I get worn out in motherhood.
I wish I had more energy and motivation to keep up with my house.
But I simply can't do more than I am doing without it having detrimental
effects on our family.
My husband takes care of the finances, and they are learning how to manage
their own. He has them pay tithing on their small allowances each month...they are learning their relationship with money, how they view it, and whether or not they are naturally good at saving.
My husband is a recluse socially and emotionally; but he is extremely good at managing our homes and finances. He is extremely intelligent and strong-headed in the way he sees things. These are all things I admire and appreciate in him. We all have different pros and cons to the way our lives turned out. Sometimes, I want to express..things I've always wished for though...simple things.
I wish we could go camping together as a family; or really anywhere as a family.
I wish he would join us for dinner and take the initiative to lead our family in FHE or family prayer.
I wish my husband was aware of how desperately our son needs someone to model how a man acts. My son is turning into him, living all of his life at home through electronics (and of course I get him to join the family as often as I can...I have much more say with my son than I do with my husband)...I can only do so much, and I hope it is enough.
My husband cares through words.
He asks how I'm doing; he does his best to listen and reassure me. He is loyal, and has always stood by me. He buys me little treats when he goes grocery shopping for himself (everything is seperate from the family because that is his only way to ensure that he has what he needs to make his meals which are the same each day). His lifeline to be able to accomplish his responsibilities is sticking to a routine perfectly the same every day during the week. He controls his things, I am in charge of everything else...and we are doing the best we can. He is not capable of being flexible or going with the flow; and so having multiple children is difficult on him. That is why it is better this way.
I am thankful that he loves and cherishes me through words, and through small gestures.
He often shares how his day went...something he almost never did before our ten year wedding anniversary (a very private person). He tells me he appreciates and loves me-and rubs my back and feet when I ask him to; and I do feel loved by him. Emotionally and spiritually, he is crippled; and just as a wife who is married to a paraplegic, I get burnt out sometimes, and discouraged at my life's circumstance. Just the same, I am greatly limited in my capacity to take care of things, and in managing my own money. There is always give and take in marriage. It is difficult to learn lessons in learning to let go control in areas we are really good at so our companions can grow.
He is a dear. Wonderful, beautiful mind. I have learned a huge amount through living with and listening to him. I am a more strong, resilient, loving, intelligent person because of him.
I celebrate and accept him for who he is wholeheartedly. I have never loved anyone as fully or deeply. But I am coming to the realization that we are both extremely good at what we are good at; and that sometimes makes both of our loads feel really heavy because we are pretty seperate in accomplishing our responsibilities. He covers finances and provides for our family. I make all the meals, do all the grocery shopping for the family, all the laundry and housework (with kids' help) raise our children in every way, providing for all their spiritual, physical, emotional and social needs.
My life is not easy.
But it is mine.
I will take it one day at a time.
And hope that God makes up for all that I lack in carrying this load. I know I can do it, because I am doing exactly what God placed me on the earth to do.
There is a season for everything. I believe I will have the opportunity to go on many adventures on my own in the future, and I will have many years of a spotless, sanitary house...and will miss these days of clutter and constant chaos, tantrums, hugs and smiles.
I need to take it one day at a time, and enjoy the journey as much as possible.
My husband won't be around forever with his silly nature, and loving ways. He won't always be there to hold our girls when they are needing to feel safe, or to listen to my sadness or triumphs. He is present when it really matters, and has saved my life at times because he is there to catch me when I fall; he has taught me of my worth and beauty through the way he treats me.
So much of life consists of perspective.
We are a team whether I feel that way or not at times.
He is always there to love our children and me and to lend a listening ear and money to supply our want and need.
I love my Savior; and am thankful for the opportunity to learn and grow, to really be experiencing and enjoying life, ups downs, twists, turns, the boring and chaotic times. I am at a place of thankful peace, and wisdom to know that this season is for me to find joy in. That is the purpose of life.
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