Monday, May 31

Misconceptions about depression

There are people out there who think that depression is when one cries all the time and can't do anything, or  just wants to sleep all the time.
Well, honestly, depression manifests itself in many different ways for different people.
I'd like to enlighten those who have not experienced it for themselves, and possibly those who have and still are who may not realize it.
Depression is when the brain's neurotransmitters aren't working correctly, and messages and signals in the brain are weak.  It makes even the simplest tasks so much harder.  It affects your moods and feelings.  Some symptoms that I notice in myself are:
a deep sadness, overwhelmed, full of anxiety and fear about certain things, really irritable, tired and achy, angry, self-hatred, anti-social tendencies, pressure headache almost constantly, high levels of stress that affect motivation for most things.
By the end of most days, I feel so heavy under pressure that I need some sort of relief or escape (and this is where most of the world who experience this turn to alcohol, smoking, drugs and other self-deprecating, self-destructive behaviors).
     I've struggled the worst after having babies.  At my lowest points, which have come often enough, I would greatly struggle with suicidal thoughts and desires.  Over time of dealing with this, I have managed somehow to keep my logic enough to be able to think through it to the reality of what would happen if I ever gave into such thoughts.  That did not stop them from coming after hard days and weeks, when my husband was working long hours (which he still is).  I would fight them but feel no way to escape my suffering.  I would search every option in my mind and eventually find dead ends in every scenario because of how much it would hurt those I love most.  So, I'd go walk outside or drive somewhere and cry...exasperated beyond words.  I had to do EVERYTHING within my power to fight the urge to harm myself.  I've never experienced something so extreme as this.  It literally felt like hand to hand combat with Satan.  Thankfully, the angels were watching over me, and the Lord gave me the strength to not give into temptation.

It's not something you can describe to someone who has not experienced it.  It's literally a problem in the brain and certainly not something you can just "snap out of".  Many people plow through with depression not realizing what it is, and tend to be pretty irritable, angry, impatient, anxious, sometimes lacking empathy, contentious, emotional.  Many onlookers of these sorts of people just figure it's part of their personality.  In most cases, it is not so.  Under that emotionally out of control barrier, is most likely a loving and wonderfully strong individual who is simply under a whole lot of pressure.

 Well, I've finally mustered up all my courage and will power to pay a visit to the Dr. and was diagnosed with depression.  Now, each night, I take a small blue pill.

I danced with my children in the living room yesterday and loved every minute of it!
I actually like myself now.  I find myself more grateful and in love than ever before with my wonderful husband.  And because I'm not so stressed, he has stopped withdrawing from family life so much.  He helps out and cares more than ever.

I love my Father in Heaven and Savior for guiding me to a solution to one of the greatest struggles I've ever faced in my life time.  Even with depression, I have worked through so much mentally and learned not to give into lies that come so readily in my darkest hours.

SOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY to be ALIVE - to be able to LIVE each day!

I encourage anyone who has struggled with even a few of these same symptoms, especially if it's gotten as extreme, to seek medical help. God led Dr.'s to come up with these wonderful medications to help us out in the last days - the hardest and most blessed times.  Let's take advantage and give thanks for these things!
My life is not perfect now by any means.  Some days are still stressful and tiring, but it is more than manageable compared to what I've experienced.  In gaining the knowledge I have, I will hopefully be able to give my children so much better.

Phillipians 4:13
"I can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me."

Thursday, May 27

Big Break

I have not blogged in a while.
Was having some extreme post-partum depression and am now on the lowest dose of Zoloft for it.  It has helped immensely with just being able to enjoy daily life, and not feeling so out of control with my emotions and temper.  My hardest times are usually during storms, and PMS which is common for many people.  But now life is enjoyable, and doable.

I love my family!

Dan is working same long hours and often doesn't get home till nine or ten, working most Saturdays.
The kids don't see him much, but I can hold down the fort alright now that I have my medication.

Thought I was bi-polar, but it looks like I just have a cycle of normal, depressed.  And the depression is by far worst after I have babies.  I just can't handle my load without doing something about it, and wished I would have done something after my third because that was also an impossible load for me.  I was miserable, really struggling and going crazy often enough.

It's better that it's not bi-polar disorder for sure.  This medication is okay while nursing or pregnant so it opens up possibilities for me and our family.  I still have limitations on what I can accomplish on any given day, I still have weaknesses like before, but man it takes the edge off.
It has greatly improved all my relationships and especially with my husband.  A light switched on in my brain and life is no longer something to be endured.  I can enjoy it much of the time now.  I realize more than ever how extremely blessed I am in every area of life!
I am  not one of those Mom's who is really on top of things, or who does her hair or makeup every day.  I don't have hobbies that I have a passion for anymore.  I don't work out regularly.  I do what I can when I can, and let go of the rest.  I love my children. And just being able to complete daily tasks and take joy in living and in teaching my children is a wonderful blessing to me!

My new 'hobbies' are, cutting hair, doing the girls' hair a few times a week, reading blogs, reading to my children, trying really hard to make a good dinner every day, and that's about it.

I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ and am grateful for my limitations!  They have taught me a ton about faith and hope.

I am more in love with my sweetheart than ever before and my heart is full of gratitude for my life.

Stellaluna and Cardboard Butterflies

  My thoughts have been turned to a famous LDS blogger.  Josh Weed is his name. He had come out with a post about four years ago decla...