Monday, January 7

One Day

Well, I continue to overdo it. It must be the German mentality in me...all or nothing (and the nothing only kicks in when I'm no longer capable of giving much of anything). I give and go until I can't anymore, then I crash and burn.
On Saturday, I got a workout in the morning then spent the rest of the day taking care of my children as usual, organizing and deep cleaning my entire house and finishing all the laundry, as well as cutting everyone's hair (except my own...we all know what happens when I start trimming my own ends up three inches long). 
That was my goal, then I was going to reward myself by going maternity clothes shopping with a couple pregnant friends. By the time I was done, I was so exhausted I couldn't possibly follow through with the reward (which was for the purpose of getting away from my kids and socializing a little to recharge).  Instead, Ginnie and I went and picked up some pizza. While waiting for our pizza to get done, Ginnie proceeded to throw a very LOUD tantrum at which point I covered her mouth because there were people trying to take phone orders. 

And I thought it would be a nice little break away from the house.

So I spent most of Sunday bawling out of sheer exhaustion and my inability to give anymore, my inability to be a good wife or friend, and to share the gospel effectively.  Anything and everything was triggering a flood of tears so...I cried in Sunday School, I broke down in Relief Society...and I bawled for another couple hours after Church.

I took a walk and looked at the ocean in all it's splendor.  The sky was cloudy and dark just as I was feeling.  After settling myself on a bench in the middle of a field on base, I peered up into the sky...squinting, burning, teary eyes...wondering where I fit into this huge universe.  The sun seemed to move for me from behind a cloud and shone with a vivid brightness and I noticed the size of the reflection it made on the cold and dreary-looking ocean.  It was as if my creator was taking notice of me in that instant-and smiling down with love and attentiveness.  
All of a sudden, I didn't feel so alone or so stuck in this moment of misery. "Tomorrow's another day", I thought..."and the Lord is with me."  Though physical, mental and emotional exhaustion still lingered, my courage was renewed.  I could now face another day, and trust in God's strength and ability, not my own.
My friend Suzie came to the rescue and took me away. We visited for a while and I knew I could count on her not to judge my nuttiness and to just love me. It also gave me an opportunity to focus on someone else for a while which I really needed to do. She's got her own struggles and I realized now that there are things that I can always be doing to lighten her load a little.  As my Mother always taught me, service is the greatest healing balm for depression.
So with that mindset, I invited some new military neighbors who are also in our ward, over for dessert. I couldn't believe how well we all got along...including our kids. We had so much fun talking, sharing, and playing-and I'm so excited for a new friendship-especially because we seem to relate and click so well. My new friend is just the sort of Mom I need to learn laid back, happy and content with life. She doesn't expect too much from herself, doesn't take life too seriously, and just enjoys it. She doesn't try to live up to society's expectations. I really love her personality, it's so much fun to be around. That's the sort of person I want to be more like...I know I'm different for a reason, but I don't think it would hurt to hang out with and let her ways rub off on me a little:) Hopefully, in return, I can also be a blessing in her life.
The Lord sends just the type of friends I need at different times, and that along with many small daily miracles and blessings that I witness, lets me know that he cares and that he's aware of my needs no matter how alone I feel sometimes.
It ended up being a great day and I'm grateful to my Father in Heaven for making it so.

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